I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
