I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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