That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
