Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I touched a dick in church today
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
