I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
