Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
