Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
