I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
