My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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