Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
i think my cat just said my name.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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