Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
