Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
