I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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