So drunk, too bad you don't want this
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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