Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Too much gin, very little bucket
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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