Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
