I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
