he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
