You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
