I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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