I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
