"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
