when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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