im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
