so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
