Got a toothbrush?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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