last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
