If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
