I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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