I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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