Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
A bitchslap is in order.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
