Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
