I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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