Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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