mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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