i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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