well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
