I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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