I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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