I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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