Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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