DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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