So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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