I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
