Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
