now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
