based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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