he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
