There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
