last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
