My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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