I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
