So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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