I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
