The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
