i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
