I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
