I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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