There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
