Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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