Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
